Trying to find a place in this mess…

Hello Everyone…

Today’s post is going to be a bit different.

You may have noticed that I’ve been somewhat absent from social media over the last month and that is because I am really struggling to adjust to this ‘new normal’ as people keep saying. We’re all in the same situation, so there’s no point complaining about it, but essentially I have just well and truly had enough of my life being turned upside down.

Of course I am still going to be sticking to the guidelines to keep other people safe, but I’m not going to sit in my room and waste what little time I have in my life doing a load of nothing.

So many plans have been ruined worldwide because of this shitstorm we’re currently living through, but for me it is more than just ruining my summer holiday abroad… I have spent the last 5 years of my life in a very dark place. I’ve suffered with depression, anxiety, tourettes and I’m Autistic, so the school system isn’t exactly designed for me and I have suffered accordingly. Knowing that I was so close to leaving school forever was the last thing I was holding onto and I did make it. I finished my GCSE’s and left school for good last year.

I started a new college, made some new friends and I had such big plans to build my photography portfolio and business and actually start living the life I’ve always wanted now that I’m free from the clutches of school and it has all come crashing down around me.

My final big college project was ruined and I had to completely change my theme and execute it with limited resources (). It worked, but it wasn’t nearly as great as what it could have been and wasn’t really a subject I was ready to explore. I can’t build a portfolio from my bedroom or get out there and start living the life I promised myself I would. I feel like I’ve been pushed back in time 5 years to the beginning of secondary school where I would get up and go through the motions like a zombie and then spend the rest of my life on my phone in bed in an attempt to block out the world.

I can’t live like this though.

I made myself a promise that I would never allow myself to fall back into that terrible place. I promised I would start saying yes to things I wanted and no to the things I didn’t. I promised I would live the life I missed out on because of school.

I can’t live the way I wanted to. There is no getting around that. The world is a mess and it doesn’t look to be sorting itself out any time soon, so in order to keep the promise I made to myself, I’m going to have to compromise:

  • I can’t build my photography portfolio, but I can learn and improve other skills such as photo editing and digital drawing, which will help me greatly once I can go out and shoot again.
  • I can’t go to the events (such as the photography show) or complete the projects and things I said yes to this year, but I can ensure they are only temporarily put on hold and find something else to do in the meantime.
  • I can’t carry on with my normal routines (which are essential to my well being as an Autistic girl), so I will use this time to learn to adjust my routines and become more flexible with them because it is something I need to learn to do since I can’t control the whole world. It will also be very beneficial in the long run because if I can adapt to a global pandemic, then maybe I won’t have a complete meltdown the next time someone moves a hairdresser appointment.
  • I can’t complete a lot of my other side projects in the way I would like, but I can carry on with some aspects of them and use the time to really get creative and think of some new projects I can do solely from my bedroom.

So why did I just tell you all of that?

Because I’m going to do everything I just said I was going to do. I can’t do a lot of things now and I am still angry and upset about it; however, no one gains anything from me sitting and sulking about it in bed, so I’m going to do something to move towards my goals and retain what little sanity I have left.

Essentially what I’m saying is that I’m setting myself a challenge. I am going to do at least 1 thing everyday until this mess is over that pushes my forwards towards one or more of my goals. This could be writing, posting on social media, making videos, sewing, embroidery, editing photos, learning to draw digitally, learning anything, reading, exercise of any kind etc.

I just want to have something to aim towards to give my life some meaning again whilst we’re all stuck inside.

I’m going to be sharing my progress via my YouTube channel on the vlogs, which may change format slightly (I have not decided yet since I am just writing completely off the cuff here) and I may also consider doing some sort of daily update either on here or on my Instagram: @thephotographydragon.

If you want to join me on my journey to retain my sanity and salvage what’s left of this year, then please do so! There are no rules because this is really just about trying to find a purpose again – something to keep us all going until we can carry on with our lives. You can share your progress with me on Instagram, YouTube or here if you want someone to keep you accountable or someone to just ackowledge your achievements.

I hope that made sense. Stay safe and keep creating

Over and Out

(2) Comments

  1. Charlie says:

    Very inspiring and motivating.. I’ve given myself the deadline of June 1st to finish packing my room, then it’s time to go back to working on my projects and goals!

    1. Samantha Drage says:

      Sounds like a good idea! I’m tired of sulking, so I reckon it’s time to do something about it 🙂

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